So for some evil reason fate decides it is time to pour with rain and instead of the fit, healthy walk home, you need to jump on a bus. Fate, my friends, is an evil cow! She sits up there in her ivory fate tower and thinks that she has given out far too many lottery winners so it is time to have some fun with G. On this occasion sitting on the bus was someone I had not seen in years, we exchanged those awkward is it/isn’t looks and then after the traditional obligatory OMG it is you phrases, I sat beside her for a chat. We did the whole so nice to see you, what are you doing now thing and, as I got up to get off the bus, I did the one thing that you feel compelled to do but should not, I gave her my mobile number and heard myself saying.lets meet for a drink sometime. Now as we all know there are some people from our past we love to see, but there are one or ten we would quite happily never see again. This was one of those times and the thing was we both knew it! So I felt I was quite safe with the giving out the phone number thing until the following Tuesday when I heard THE voicemail.
A big night out was being arranged!!!!!!
It was at this point that I discovered googling what is the fastest way to emigrate when your phone is running out battery is not a good idea, so unless I wanted to go into debt for the rest of my life on plane tickets, a big night out in Glasgow was the only answer. And before you say why did I not just say no or make an excuse, the voicemail reminded me that it was me who said lets go for a drink.Turns out my suggestion had been passed on to two or three others from my past, all of whom were desperate to meet up again and quote *shivers* “it will be just like the old days”. To cut a very long story short, we did go out, about ten of us, plus husbands and partners, except me as I did not read the email properly. I quickly realised it was a couples thing when I walked into the bar and saw one of the girls with her husband and a spare guy. Unfortunately I had put my bag with my flats into the cloakroom and there was no way I could run in these heels. The big night out had begun …
In a case like this, when you are over 50 and single, you have two options! There is fake heart attack but you are wearing your new white shirt and don’t want to get it too dirty or there is the fake breathless run up to the people you are meeting with the I am so sorry guys I think I have left my hair straighteners/iron/shower on excuse. However when you realise that the Spare has obviously not been filled in either on the “you will be so perfect for each other” plan,you knock it on the head straight away by going to the Bar with said Spare and both slugging back a Martini. You agree that we will just humour them and totter back to the table trying not to spill or drop the tray of drinks as the Martini has gone straight to your head!
Ok, I will admit that the night was great fun in the end. I think we all realised that this was it and there was a reason we had not kept in touch. But for one night only we hit some of the best bars in Glasgow, Alston Bar and Beef The Anchor Line The Finneston and one other place that I cannot remember, ate some fabulous food and drunk lots of gin and bubbles!
So, my friends, how do you cope with a Big Night Out when you are over 50? Here come my top tips and they are all coming from the voice of experience who is nursing a hangover and a few bruises
Before you go out, leave clear path to loo and bed. Pour pint of water and leave beside bed. Put taxi fare in your make up bag, if you leave it in your purse it will be used as a one for the ditch drink!!!!
Always take flat shoes, the heels look great but …. oooooohhhh sore feet
Don’t agree to go out with couples you have not seen for a while. They will bring someone “you are perfect for” as a “nice surprise”
Never agree to see “Mr Perfect for” again just to keep your friends quiet.
Make sure you have a good unbreakable code word for the “I need to escape situations” and ensure the friends you arrange it with will, realising you are not in any danger, use it and not send back a text with roflmao
Trying to do a Taylor Swift impression in the Ladies loo does not work if you are mixing her up with Brittney Spears.
Dabbing your face with tissues in the loo to mop up that power surge? Check mirror before leaving!
Wear good underwear, unless you are a very fit lady, as things jiggle more at our age when you are trying to do your best Beyonce
When sitting on a bar stool, trying to be elegant, never lean back. Phones have cameras!!!!!!
Never drink coloured drinks when you are wearing white or cream. You will at some point do the snort laugh and it will dribble
Just because you are lubricated by gin does not mean you can kick your height. Retrieving your shoe from someone else’s table is embarrassing
Do not make eye contact with drunk teenager in the taxi queue. He will mistake you for his Mum and you will end up buying him chips.
Do not drunk FaceTime your friends when you are in the taxi going home! You look like serial killer!
Rehydrating? A pint of water will wake you up 40 mins later, make sure you have a clear a path to the loo, ensure heels and bag straps are all safely tucked away, leave lid of loo up!
The morning after the night before, do not try to rock the hungover look a la Kate Moss without a full jar of Clarins Beauty Flash, a huge pair of sunglasses and a baseball cap. You will scare babies!
Finally, the telephone number on your arm is nearly always the guys whose wife doesn’t understand him and is very rarely the Clooney lookalike
Oh and one more thing, don’t do the “that is it I am getting into shape thing to cope with these big nights out”. You end up arranging to start going back to the gym with GymGuyMark
PS Everyone I went out with are well aware that I have written this